By Alexandria Court
-”I'm here to admit. That you were my medicine. Oh, love, I couldn't quit. And I'm down on my knees again.Thank you for the happiest year of my life” Happiest Year by Jaymes Young
It’s crazy for me to think that I have been a Twitch Streamer for over a year now. It had suddenly snuck up on me. I celebrated my one year anniversary on April 4. As I reflect on the last year it brings me to tears. There’s moments that I know being a Twitch Streamer has saved me or unlocked some profound healing for me. All I can feel is how incredibly grateful that a year ago I hit that “Going Live” button.
Almost two years ago I made the crazy decision to uproot my life and move across the country. For twenty years I was living for other people, putting their needs and lives ahead of my own. I would take care of everyone around me, and I wouldn’t live for me. I was just surviving, so I needed to change my entire life- giving myself a chance to discover what I wanted in life. And has it pushed me outside of my comfort zone. Dear God, there were so many times I would cry questioning my decision. Questioning like did I ruin my life by doing this? I couldn’t go back to Washington as I didn’t have the means to. So yeah 2021 was pretty rough for me- a constant struggle with money and not knowing what I wanted to do. Breaking patterns is never easy, and I was trying to break a lot of them.
Then in March, I went in for surgery that removed a cyst on my tailbone that I had been suffering with for almost eight years. While I was recovering I decided to finally start streaming. I knew I wanted to be a streamer back in Washington, I just kept procrastinating. I was wrestling with imposter syndrome and the fear of being sceen. These are feelings I know every streamer goes through and feels- what if no one watches? What if no one likes my content?
Yet at that time, I was so incredibly lonely. I moved away from my best friends and siblings. I wasn’t connecting with my co-workers or making any local friends. So I picked a video game that I have never played and decided to just do it. I think by the third or forth stream someone joined who also loved Star Wars and stuck around talking about it. They wanted to know when I was going to be online again so we could talk some more. They show up to every stream. I would then post clips on my social media and suddenly more people would show up to chat. They would want to chat offline and play games all the time. I wasn’t alone anymore.
During 2021, as things would start to feel hopeless, my Twitch community was my bright light in the dark. There were days that Twitch was my main reason to get out of bed and keep trying. Anytime I would start to disappear offline- someone was checking in to see if I was okay. Twitch streaming was one of the fews I did for myself- not for anyone else. It wasn’t something I did for my family or friends- it was just for me. My community was my driving force to keep going as it was something I chose. It brings me so much Joy.
Quickly I became a Twitch Affiliate- which means people were able to subscribe or donate money to my channel as a way to support me. It unlocked a core issue I wasn’t even aware of- that I didn’t like to receive. Anytime outside Christmas or my Birthday if I was given a gift- it made me uncomfortable. It would feel like a debt or there were strings attached. I wouldn’t see it as just a gift or just support- because someone loved me. Especially if it was men giving me money or gifts- I saw ulterior motives. I have felt this way since I was a child.
Back during my parents divorce, my bio-dad would send me gifts often- yet there were always strings attached. It was never just a gift. It would be bribes to keep quiet about things I knew that would get him in trouble with the courts. And as I got older, gifts from boys or men were always about wanting to get in my pants. And I didn’t receive a lot of gifts growing up- usually I was the gift giver.
So now as a Twitch Affiliate I had this very real problem of people wanting to give me money- just because. They wanted to support me, they liked me and believed I was worth it; even when at times I would doubt that I’m worth it. It would be overwhelming and extremely uncomfortable. I would want to tell people “no, don’t spend your money on me”. There were times I even said it, they would just say “I know, but I want to.” I was slowly learning how to receive, well they were kind of forcing me to learn. After about a year, I think I’m improving- I can handle small amounts or small gifts. I still panic when people joke about large amounts or large ticket items.
This is not only healing my issue around receiving, it's healing aspects of my divine feminine. One of the powerful things about being a woman is our ability to be able to take in mascline energy or force and with our form and structure we can create/manifest. It is how life is created, and by shutting down all forms of receiving I’m rejecting that aspect of myself. I wonder if my struggle with creating or manifesting in life comes from rejecting all support or receiving. I’m rejecting my power as a woman or maybe I’m afraid of it. Oh yeah, that’s definitely it. As soon as I said it, it struck a chord. Whelp, I guess that something else I can work on.
I just want to thank everyone I’ve interacted with in my Twitch Community. Every Time you spend bits, or subscribe, or donate, or just show up, has helped heal broken pieces of me. You make it easier everyday for me to choose me. You help show me that I’m worthy of love and support, that I’m creative and funny. As much as you choose me as your streamer, I choose you as my community. And I’m so abundantly grateful that I decided to “Go Live” a year ago. It has healed me in so many ways that I’m excited for this next year. I’m excited to see how I grow and heal with this community- as I continue to choose me everyday. I can’t wait to see the community grow and expand with me. I ask you to continue to inspire me, to push me to face my fears, to continue to be my amazing community. This is like a love letter to you all.
Thank you for the Happiest Year of my Life,
CourtofAlexandria (Alexandria Court)