“And now I'm all fucked up and my heart's changed
'Cause I care more about what other people say”
-”What Other People Say” Sam Fischer & Demi Lovato
There has been so much growth in the last six months down here in Arizona, it’s sometimes hard to articulate all that growth and the difference in who I am. And I want to talk about one of the biggest changes I’m starting to see in myself. For almost twenty years I have cared so much about how other people like me.
I cared if my co-workers and managers would like me. I would come into work so worried if my managers liked me and if I was doing a good enough job. I mean most people feel the same way, right? We come to work hoping to impress our bosses so we can be promoted and make a higher wage. Yet I would cause myself anxiety over the littlest things, if I received the smallest amount of criticism I thought I’m going to be fired. I would constantly try my best just to get reassured that I was doing a good job. I would even mention it in interviews as a strength of mine. Stating that I was a people pleaser, it looked good in customer service. And sometimes it would be a good thing, as it made me a better coach and trainer as I knew to give positive feedback often. If I am anxious about doing a good job, so would my employees.
This wouldn’t be the only place in my life that I cared if I was liked. I felt this way with my family, constantly questioning if my own family liked me. Deep in my heart I knew they did, but my mind would doubt the truth all the time. If I put up a boundary or say no, the fear would be that they wouldn’t like me anymore. I would put their needs over mine. If I didn’t take of my family, then who was I? I didn’t want to voice my needs because what if they didn’t like me anymore if I needed help.
This was reflected often in friendships, where I would give myself more in the beginning of the friendship. I wanted them to like me so bad that I would give so much time, money and energy. I would then burn out as the people pleaser in me never voiced my needs and I only took care of their needs. I would pull back my energy to take of myself or put down a boundary and I would hear the words “you’re a bad friend”, a fear I had reflected back to me. I had this belief about myself for a very long time. And since I believed this about myself, I kept manifesting friendships with this same pattern.
This would also happen in relationships. I cared more about the other person liking me, that I would make excuses for toxic behavior. I would look the other way when it came to drug use, or alcohol abuse. I didn’t care if I was the other woman or that it wasn’t an exclusive relationship. I would say yes to sex because I thought that’s what they want versus what I wanted. I would take anything I could get because I had the belief that I wasn’t enough and wanted to be liked and loved so bad. I wouldn’t pursue my crushes as I doubted that they could ever like me. I would only let people pursue me. And it ended in heartbreak all the time, as I wouldn’t voice my needs.
Here’s the funny part, a ton of people like me. My mom likes to remind me when I get really down on myself. People would meet me and tell my mom how amazing I am constantly. She would question me “does anyone hate you?” I would stop and think and be like “well, no.” Even old friendships or relationships, they would end badly but I don’t think they ever ended up hating me. Yet this hadn’t quite sunk in that people liked me. I would question it, because why would anyone like me when I hadn’t liked me. So the last five years I’ve been working on changing that belief. I wanted to like who I was. And I can honestly say I like who I am. I love me.
Here’s the biggest shift that I have been working on the last six months and I’m seeing some amazing results. I have been working with my terrific Guide Kelly about voicing my needs and setting boundaries. It is absolutely terrifying and wonderful at the same time. I discovered this issue has stemmed back to my childhood in two separate moments. There was a moment where I had set a boundary with my biological father and shortly afterwards he left. I haven’t seen him since. This created a belief that if I set boundaries people will leave me. And eight year old me had made a vow that I wouldn’t speak up again. I received a Hermetic Soul Retrieval session with my mom last year and removed that vow blocking my fifth chakra. That has significantly helped immensely. As this is a bullshit belief that I no longer want to believe in. And this can be reflected in two of my friendships I’m amazingly blessed with. We talk about boundaries and our needs and healthy communication. I have never once felt like I was a “bad friend” with these two amazing people just because I place a boundary.
The other moment in my childhood came from starting public school when I was eight. It came up in a meditation about the subconscious. I was actually working on an issue surrounding my fear about success. And what came up was the reason I was scared of success wasn’t because of money but a fear of being liked. Everything I want to accomplish involves being in the light-(writing, light work, social media) and being seen. It involves being liked by people. And the reason I started caring about people liking me came from when I was eight years old. It was after my parents’ divorce and I was just starting public school. Before this moment I hadn’t interacted with many kids besides my cousins and my one friend who lived in the same cul-de-sac. I was sheltered and home schooled. So I started public school and I couldn’t make one single friend there. I was myself, just a little extra angry about the divorce, and I would just get in fights with other kids. It went on for a couple of months. My mom transferred me to a new school (where my one friend and also my cousin went to) next year. I would be so afraid that no one would like me and that fear has stuck with me for too long.
But now I’m voicing my needs and I’m seeing a difference in my life. I started dating recently after being single for almost five years. And I’m voicing my wants and sometimes it’s a little terrifying. Especially when they are being met as it’s something I’m not used to. I am a Queen. I am a Goddess. I deserve good things in my life. I deserve to have my needs met.
One last fruit I want to talk about from all this growth. I am recognizing my will is different than before. I made a list of things I want to accomplish this year. It is a long list with about 13 goals and each one pretty big goals. And I look at this list and I’m like no problem, I’m going to meet every single one. And when I was in the shower the other morning it hit me- I haven’t had this kind of drive since I was fifteen. When I was a freshman in highschool with a plan and a desire to write a book before I graduated. I would come home and write all the time. Of course then I started crying because I hadn’t felt this feeling for 13 years. I had wanted to change the world with my writing and I felt like I could do it. I still want to change the world and I now believe again that I can do it.
The best thing that has come out of 2020 is having Kelly as my Guide. These last six months have been simply amazing with so much growth that I can’t even recognize the old me before I moved down here. Having a Guide and these amazing tools of the Modern Mystery School just keep helping me make my life better and better. I’m breaking huge patterns that I have been dealing with twenty years and my life is now the life I’m happy to live. I’m seeing amazing results from these tools. Let’s break more patterns, heal childhood wounds and live the life we could only dream of.