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Into the Unknown

“I've had my adventure, I don't need something new

I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you”

- “Into the Unknown” from Frozen 2

I had a comfortable life. I had a great job at Target, a wonderful home in Seattle, amazing relationships with my friends and family, and was slowly building my spiritual business. Then Covid-19 came and suddenly I felt like I was living in a dystopia world like all the books I read. There’s a deadly virus that shuts down most of the world, riots, a civil rights movement, and natural disasters. All elements of any great dystopian book. I felt like the apocalypse was beginning.

Side note, I was grateful that Covid-19 wasn’t turning people into zombies. It sounds funny but I have this huge irrational fear of a zombie apocalypse occurring. Like in the movies, I would be the first victim that gets bitten by patient zero. So as everything is happening I had the random thought “well, if this is how the world ends at least there weren't zombies”.

I had looked at the world and I felt so hopeless. Now the world was still pretty messed up before Covid: there’s wars, murder, drugs, alcohol, opression and a lack of joy in people. Then a global pandemic hit and everything became way more intense. Everyone was so afraid, I was so afraid. I wasn’t afraid of catching Covid, I was worried about my dad who was high risk, my mom who had to halt her business, and my sister lost her job. I have a habit of putting my loved one’s happiness before my own. During this time, I never stopped working, being surrounded by over a thousand people each day; feeling their fear and worries.

I wanted to save the world, I wanted suffering to end. And within a few months, I looked at the world and thought “what’s the point?”. I stopped caring, and very quickly slipped back into depression. I was missing work, which led to shame and guilt, which just fueled my depression.

Now I have tools, I’ve had spiritual training! I knew over 30 ways to shift my energy into something more positive, not to cure my depression, just to give me a chance to get out of the muck that I was swimming in. I could have saged my room, done some rituals, meditated, gotten a healing session, taken a salt bath, done magic...the list goes on. But I stopped caring and I kept choosing to stay in the darkness.

Luckily, I have some amazing friends who really care about me. They came to visit us one evening in May and here I am in my muddy muck. It was during that visit that sparked everything. My amazing friend turned to me with her laser focus and asked the question “so, uh what’s going on?”

My friend Kelly is a Guide with the Modern Mystery School. A Guide is someone who helps you along on your spiritual path/progression. They’re more than just a teacher or mentor. They help you discover where you’re stopping yourself from achieving your dreams, destiny or purpose in life. An amazing example is Uncle Iroh from Avatar the Airbender. He would have been considered a Guide for Zuko. Sometimes when having a conversation with a Guide, it can get kind of emotional as it might hit some truths that you were refusing to look at. My mom is Guide, I grew up with a lot of these types of conversations.

Instantly I thought “oh shit, I’m already feeling vulnerable, I’m probably going to cry in this conversation”. And I first started off a little vague about what I was going through, it didn’t take long to get to the root of the matter. We talked for about an hour, on a variety of topics like independence, discovering who you are outside of the role of sister/daughter, how depression can come from not doing your life purpose, and a different perspective on how I can save the world/serve humanity. I was proud that I didn’t cry, but I felt that twinge in my heart where it could have led to tears.

I walked away from that conversation really examining my life. I have the power to change anything I don’t like about my life. I’m a writer and yet I didn’t feel like I was the main character or Hero in my own story. But it is never too late to rewrite the story.

Within a week I decided that I wanted to move out of Washington. I always wanted to travel the world and write, yet I spent my entire life in Washington. I discussed the idea with my mom and she was the one to bring up Phoenix. Kelly and her family had just moved down here, so there would be friends I knew. They were thrilled about the idea.

So within three months, I sorted through my life. I tied up any loose ends I had in Washington, sold my car, quit my job, sorted through every item I owned, and packed up a truck. At the end of August, my mom and I drove the moving truck down, just the two of us and my tuxedo cat Bruce Wayne. I left my comfort box in Washington, here I get to reinvent myself. I lived a very defined role that I put on myself back in Washington. I was too afraid to live my life, and live it big. I didn’t believe I could do it.

So here in Phoenix, I’m not limiting myself. I’m going to talk about magic because I believe in magic. I’m going to make cute cats videos of Bruce. Read books and give people my review of it. Start a live video game steam of all my favorite games. The only thing stopping me from achieving all my dreams is me. I’m no longer going to let her stand in my way. I don’t know what this life is going to look like but all I know is that I’m WAY happier jumping into the unknown.

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